This post is about why my husband is a ninja. Ninja, in my book, means you’re bad-ass/ a legend / generally amazing. Sure, lots of wives probably feel like their husbands are ninjas, but what follows isn’t ‘oh, he’s so wonderful — he brings me breakfast in bed’ kind of ninja-ness. Instead, it’s ‘don’t mess with him or he’ll make like Spock and do a Vulcan death grip’ kind of ninja-ness. He’s the former, too, of course, but it’s more exciting for me to write about the unique elements of his ninja-ness as opposed to the universal ‘he’s an amazing husband’ elements.
So, without further ado, here is a by-no-means-comprehensive list about why my husband is a ninja:
He can do that squishing-an-insect-with-two-fingers-thing
Moths always find their way into our living-room because the sliding doors have a doggy door for Cookie and Leon. Cookie loves to stick her head out and look outside. Her head is outside, her body inside — she’s a unique dog. This inevitably results in light-loving bugs flying through the flap just so they can swoop down and kamikaze into my eyeball. The moths that come in are always those ones that are high on nectar, or whatever insects get high on — you know the type: they flit and zip about, never resting in one spot. On such occasions, my husband conducts a minute or two of insect-surveillance and then lifts up his hand and snaps it shut. ‘Did you get it?’ ‘Yea.’ The moth dust crumbles from his hand and we return to our Star Trek movie marathon.
He can do pretty much anything I can think of
After a series of boyfriends who were relatively useless in terms of chores or D.I.Y, it’s wonderful to be married to someone who can actually do stuff. Something wrong with the car? Fixed. Something wrong with the boat? Fixed. RV? Fixed. Plumbing / electrical / woodwork, you name it: my husband is a manly man (hooray). Back in my younger days, I was very idealist and found myself attracted to music-ey, artistic-ey types. However, as my idealism slowly began to transform into moderate cynicism, I realised that artists and musicians aren’t very good at doing practical stuff. I remember actually having to show a particular ex how to use a mop for the first time. At this point the alarm bells that had already been quietly clanging crashed in a frenzied chorus of ‘escape-while-you-can’. I said to myself ‘stuff the arty-farty types, I want someone who can do stuff’. I definitely got my wish.
He could literally kill someone without using a weapon
Yes, that’s right. Qualified in martial arts to the highest level, my husband could literally kill someone with his hand. Part of his time as a deputy sheriff was spent training law enforcement officers in martial arts. He was actually inducted into the United States Martial Arts Hall of Fame for this role. Having him around makes me feel super-safe; especially since I’m the kind of person who screams at a spider.
He’s a guitar wiz
I’m no music expert so it’s difficult for me to explain his talent very well. All I can say is: he can do all the ‘doodly bits’. You know like, say, um who’s a good guitarist? Your man Satriani or your man Steve Vai: that’s the kind of standard I’m talking about. He will deny this of course, saying he could never be as good as those two because they’re his musical heroes. He can do all that fast stuff electric guitarists do, but much better than say, a local band guitar player…heck I dunno, he’s great at guitar; I’ll leave it at that.
He has seen some crazy things
My husband was a deputy sheriff for fifteen years, and you wouldn’t believe some of the things he has seen. Think along the lines of the crazy stuff in Criminal Minds or Law and Order: murders, serial killers — the works. Watch this space for my post dedicated entirely to some of the things he encountered in his three years as a homicide detective. Oh and while I’m at it, here’s a link to Mark appearing on an American show called ’48 Hours’ where he talks about the infamous Chip Flynn murder case. He was the first responder that night and supports the theory that the man who was arrested was wrongly accused.
He never complains
It’s not unusual for Mark to work twelve to fourteen hour days in his current job as a self-employed cable contractor. A typical day for him involves climbing through attics, burying cables underground, carrying an eighty pound ladder around, and installing various cable packages. The summer is the worst because the heat is unbearable. He wears glasses and can’t see because the humidity fogs up his glasses. He has come home many a time soaking in sweat. And yet, he never complains. The company he works for has a high turnaround rate — men half his age quit after a few months because they can’t handle it. One of his colleagues is an ex-marine and even he struggles with the physical demands of the job. He calls Mark and asks him how he does it. ‘It’s easy: I’m a ninja,’ he responds.
So there you have it. These are just some of the many things that prove my husband’s utter ninja-ness. I will leave it at this for now because my service provider is being all glitchy and annoying.
Keep an eye out for my next post folks; I am really looking forward to writing it, and I genuinely hope it will have a positive impact on how the general public views law enforcement. Too often people reserve their harshest criticism for those who have the most difficult and stressful job.
Update: I have now completed three posts about why I admire law enforcement. They are based on the real-life experiences of my husband and I think you’ll find them very interesting: