Steam Room Sunbathing

steam room sunbathing

If you’re ever thinking about visiting Florida, take my advice:

Don’t visit during the summer.

‘But, but, I want to sunbathe, I want a tan, I want to drink cocktails on a lounger…in a bikini…taking selfies to put on Facebook.’

I understand. I empathise. Why go on a holiday if you don’t come back with a gorgeous glow? It will save you hundreds of euros on those tacky weekly spray tans, I get it.

But listen, JUST LISTEN for a second. This. Is. Very. Important:

IN FLORIDA IT’S TOO HOT TO SUNBATHE IN THE SUMMER.

I know: this sounds ridiculous. But it’s true. Since mid-May I have resided indoors, complete with the air conditioning on at all times. Me and my husband fall asleep to the comforting hum of a fan above our beds every night. 

Oh and how he loves to laugh about the future when I will inevitably become ‘acclimatised’. ‘Just wait, baby’ he says, ‘in a couple of years you’ll be wearing a sweater in June.’ I know he’s telling the truth, too, because this is the same man who puts a heater on in the mornings: IN THE SUMMER. ‘My feet are cold,’ he says…while I jump into a cold shower and come out sweating.

Let me explain: Florida isn’t like Ireland. I can’t speak for what other country it isn’t like since I’ve only been to a few places; briefly, as a tourist, but I can say with unshakeable confidence that it isn’t anything like Ireland.

It’s all relative, but if you’re Irish like me, you will soon find out that:

FLORIDA DOESN’T HAVE A WINTER.

Those mysterious folks from The Game of Thrones keep saying ‘Winter is Coming’.

Or that wonderful book/film about the wardrobe, when the faun says ‘It’s always winter here…but never Christmas.’ He lied. He lied to that poor chubby girl Lucy. 

Big fat LIARS, the lot of them.

Winter never comes.

THEY ALL LIED TO ME.

Where are you, winter?

Where are your chilly breezes that make my cheeks go all red and blotchy?

Where are those ominous winds that always made me hide my face in my scarf?

Where is the ice in the morning? Why can’t I ever see my breath?

It’s an absolute TRAVESTY, is what it is.

Actually, come to think of it:

Florida is missing not one, but three seasons. It’s missing spring, autumn, and winter. Winter just happens to be the most noticeable.

There is only ever one season in Florida: SUMMER.

Well, in terms of heat and sunshine anyway. The only way you notice anything that remotely resembles a change in season is by observing nature.

The seasons in Florida go something like this:

(Starting with winter to represent the month I arrived to stay here permanently: November)

Winter: Sunny, warm, able to sunbathe a lot of the time. ‘Colder’ days are marked by putting on jeans instead of shorts. The trees are all brown and dead. The first time I ever came here on holiday was also during winter, and it seemed exactly like a really nice Irish summer except for the brown trees.

Spring: Sunny, warm, able to sunbathe a lot of the time. ‘Colder’ days are marked by putting on jeans instead of shorts. The trees are brown with little sprouts of life beginning to emerge. 

Summer: Sunny, HOT, MUGGY (heavy, humid air). When you drive anywhere and roll down the window, IT GETS WARMER. There is no such thing as a nice cool breeze in Florida during the summer months. No. Such. Thing. I was shocked to find this out the first time. I rolled the window down to cool down and promptly rolled it back up again. WHEW. It is imperative that you have a good air conditioning system during these months OR YOU WILL DIE. And that’s a fact. If you are brave enough to sunbathe between mid-May and the end of August, you will have an experience not unlike being in a steam-room and won’t last longer than five minutes. Oh and one more thing: Florida reminds me of what I always imagined it would be like to live in a tropical rainforest. Thunderstorms are a regular occurrence during this season. Heat, humidity, and thunderstorms = tropical rainforest in my book.

Autumn: Pretty much the same as spring and winter. More leaves. 

Basically, I have it all figured out:

Florida seasons compared to Ireland are as follows:​

Winter: A nice Irish summer, only it lasts longer than two weeks.

Spring: A really nice Irish summer, only it lasts longer than two weeks.

Summer: Unlike any Irish summers ever recorded. Think Egypt, India, Libya…with more humidity.

Autumn: A really nice Irish summer, only it lasts longer than two weeks.

There.

So now you know.

Never visit Florida in the summer; unless you want to die.