Pissing Gender

pissing gender

‘Transgender places-to-pee is an extremely important cause’…

…said no one, ever.

Are we really talking about where you pee? Is this real? Am I awake? 

What the fudge?

Once again I face the dilemma of saying nothing or giving credence to idiocy. So I convince myself that trying to dismantle the idiocy behind the idiocy might change the world, or something.

What. The. Fudge.

So, after conducting a quick Google search, I discover that where you pee is a genuine concern of late. I’m still not convinced; maybe I’m in the Matrix. Maybe my computer is one of those artificially intelligent beings intent on destroying rational thought. It uses complex algorithms to influence my search engine results. Apparently it edits out all sensible links and leaves only those that present humanity as insane. This seems just as plausible as the idea of exploiting pissing vessels in order to create general pandemonium all around the place.

But let’s just momentarily entertain the notion that places-to-pee IS actually an authentic topic of discussion in media/political circles. I know: that’s crazy, right?

This can’t be real.

My arm is now covered with lots of pink blotches from numerous pinching attempts. 

Okay, let me digest reality for a moment.

Digesting…munch, munch. Stomach in knots. Gurgle gurgle. Still. Won’t. Go. Down. Up it comes. Thick green vomit.

Let’s try that again. Digesting…munch,munch. Think of ice-cream. It tastes like chicken. Think about chicken wings and all my favourite things. GULLLLLP. Okay, finally…down it goes.

Shudder…the aftertaste.

So, it took a while, but now I’m all sorts of in-tune-with-reality: 

WORLD, COME AT ME: I’M READY.

So…where should transgender people pee?

I don’t quite know how to approach this difficult question, but here goes:

IN A TOILET?

I like toilets. I’m not a big fan of squatting and peeing behind the bushes. Hey, it’s a personal thing, I reserve judgement regarding excretion preferences. If you want to pee on your living-room carpet, go ahead. I’m so tolerant I wouldn’t even give a crap if you exploded runny poo all over yourself…see what I did there? Crap? Poo? 

Back to the ‘issue’. Alright, so people who don’t know if they’re a man or a woman don’t like having to pee in toilets that cater for people who know they’re a man or a woman.

Riggggggght.

They’re so oppressed. I don’t know how they’ve survived the terror and victimisation of…having to pee.

Waterboarding is a skip-in-the-park compared to this.

Chinese torture? The water dripping thing? A breeze.

Peeing somewhere that makes you feel uncomfortable even though there are closed stalls? UNTHINKABLE.

I could propose some sensible solutions to this ‘problem’ I suppose. I could make it really easy for all those no-life-busybodies who like to sit around and conjure up imaginary crises that don’t actually exist…

How about:

If you were born or look like a woman, pee where a woman pees.

If you were born or look like a man, pee where a man pees.

This SHOULD be a simple concept to follow. However…

People think the entire world should vibrate to the frequency of their personal idiosyncracies.

(Ain’t that a fact)

So…because I’m very generous and thoughtful, I will provide some further advice, because nothing is ever simple in this crazy ol’ world.

This big issue is supposedly to do with where trans-genders pee.

BUT…

BIG BUT…

Everyone seems to be missing something crucial about this scenario:

IF YOU ARE AN AUTHENTIC TRANS-GENDERED PERSON, YOU WILL LOOK LIKE THE SEX YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE.

For those of you who became confused when examining the last sentence, it means:

BEING A TRANS-GENDERED PERSON DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE A GUY WHO WEARS WOMEN’S CLOTHES. IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE A WOMAN WHO TAPES HER BOOBS AND WEARS BAGGY JEANS. 

A trans-gendered person is a person who has actually changed sex. They have had operations, taken hormones; the works. Now, unless they had really bad doctors who chiselled out their jawbone/puckered up their lips/lengthened their eyelashes, the trans-gendered person in question should resemble their desired sex (clue: the opposite one from their birth certificate).

Therefore, a person who was born a man but was ‘trapped’ is only an authentic trans-gendered person once they no longer look like a man: biologically AND physically/aesthetically.

Likewise, a woman who really likes football and can’t understand why her female friends don’t enjoy climbing trees or whatever …well, this woman, if she is ‘true’ to her ‘manliness’, should go get all those macho-making ops and change into a man. At the end point, she should look like a man.

Still following?

Okay, so…

If a trans-gendered person started as a man and then had all the necessary biological and aesthetic changes made, THEY SHOULD NOW LOOK LIKE A WOMAN.

Likewise, if a trans-gendered person started as a woman, trapped in body blah blah blah…becomes a man. Hey presto: THEY SHOULD NOW LOOK LIKE A MAN.

Following from this:

NO ONE WOULD KNOW.

THEY COULD GO INTO THEIR DESIRED PLACE-TO-PEE.

Again, if they are really serious about their identity, THEY WILL LOOK THE PART.

No one would complain because NO ONE WOULD KNOW.

Are you getting my point yet?

Here it is:

Basically, if you’re not at this post-op phase yet and still desire to go through with it:

STOP WHINING. WHEN YOU FINISH THE ‘JOURNEY’, YOU CAN PEE WHEREVER THE HECK YOU WANT.

However, during your awkward ‘doesn’t-look-like-a-man-OR-a-woman’ phase:

SUCK. IT. UP.

That’s right.

People are going to be freaked out when Frankenstein’s cousin walks into the room. It’s a fact of life.

If you truly believe that what you’re doing is the real you/ the right thing/essential to survival or happiness, surely you can ‘bear’ a few awkward months of being glared at. Come on, now, I’m with you in spirit, cheering from the sidelines:

‘YOU CAN DO IT! LET ALL THE YELLOW LIQUID OUT! DON’T LET THE WORLD SUPPRESS THE REAL YOU!’

So stop making the world spin on the axis of your whimsical tune, and go queue up at the pee-zone that attracts the least ‘UGH! IT’S FRANKENSTEIN’S COUSIN’ glares. And, YES, I DO KNOW that Frankenstein was actually the zany doc…that’s for another day.

Alas:

If you’re a man who wants to be a woman but still looks like a man or a slightly womanly man:

Go to the men’s room.

If you’re a woman who wants to be a man but still looks like a woman or a slightly manly woman:

Go to the ladie’s room.

Simple. Sorted. Solved.

Why do people make everything so complicated?