Facebook ‘Friends’

facebook friends

Don’t you just love Facebook? I have so many friends on Facebook. I am the ultimate prom queen. I have over three hundred friends. I had more, but I am so popular I just had to do a trimming-down. Hey, it was spring, social media needs a good spring-cleaning from time to time. The house was done, I just had to turn to my computer. Disk de-fragmentation: check. Registry error clean-up: check. Facebook ‘friends’ list: half-check.

Yes, that’s right, only a half-check. Why? Because I’m a cowardly moron, that’s why. I can’t seem to delete anyone else after my tiny-spring-clean-friend-chop. Anyone. Not even the frenemies who never click like to anything like my harmless, innocent, cute everyday pictures of my dogs or my gorgeous husband but always make sure to disagree with my ‘controversial’ posts.

Well, since I’m a coward on Facebook, I’ve decided to let it all out here instead. You’re all dumb. I don’t like you. Apart from maybe a hundred of you. Or maybe a hundred and fifty. Don’t think I don’t see your anti-everything-I-like posts. Don’t think I don’t notice that you just happen to post anti-everything-I-like posts five minutes after I post my things-I-like ones.

I’m on to you. I know your email address. I know what you ate today. And yesterday. And the day before. Because you like to think your ff’s give a damn that you ate a hamburger. What? It had cheese? NEVER.

That’s right. No messing around with me.

Since noticing that lots of my Facebook ‘friends’ seem to think I’m an idiot, I have developed a method which may or may not give me the courage I need to do a severe chopping down of poisonous-acquaintance-branches. This is a logical formula that can be applied to anyone’s Facebook ‘friend’ list:

Think about the most important thing that has happened to you, good or bad, that you posted on Facebook. Well, good is probably better, because people, even nice people, sometimes just don’t know what to say when you post about tragedies.

Okay, so: think about the most important GOOD thing that has happened to you that you posted on Facebook. I’m talking milestone-level things here. Marriage. New baby. New car. Graduation. Passing your driving test. New house. These sorts of things.

Next: Find where the relevant post is. While you are looking, take a quick peek at the number of friends you have. Now, when you find the post, write down all of the friends who either liked or commented on this wonderful event.

Yes, I know, this is a really neurotic method…

Next: Compare this list with the list of your friends. Whoever isn’t on your written list should be deleted. A.S.A.P.

In other words, if there are people on your Facebook friend list who didn’t even bother to like or comment on the most important/life-changing event you’ve posted, then what the heck do you have them as a friend for? Honestly.

I need to take my own advice.

And I intend to.

When I have a day that I have the concentration and focus to write down a list with lots of names and then compare them to a list with more names, I will. This will be the day I feel a wonderful sense of empowerment and a big-middle-finger to all the people that really mustn’t like me all that much and just added/accepted me out of that odd sense of obligation we all feel when someone we knew ten years ago/went to school with/worked with in a different town in a different country and were casual friends with adds us.

I can’t wait. I know what my big event is: my wedding. I remember looking at the number of likes and realising that less than half of my friends even bothered to click like. I’m coming for you. You will feel the wrath of my delete button any day now.

Any day now.


I’m so mad.

Just you wait.