Alien Log Entry

Log Entry 5734

Humans have been an object of study for an indeterminable amount of time. We don’t measure time the way the human species does. Their concept of linear time confounds other sentient beings like us. Time. Even the word sounds repugnant as I transfer it to the page using my language converter. We don’t speak human language automatically, but our central processors are wired with the capability of translation. I chose this language as it seems to be widely spoken, and most of the humans I have studied are from areas that predominantly choose this awkward intonation in order to communicate.

This log is not intended for human eyes, for they are not ready to possess the knowledge of other beings in their galaxy, never mind the universe at large. I write this in order to practice my written articulation of their language. Human language is diverse and complex, and there are many different forms of it depending on geographical location. The version I am using is called English, although there are different variants of this predominant language also. I am attempting to use formal or standard English in order to maintain a certain level of consistency. As a result, it refrains from using idioms or colloquial speech habits.

Since my last entry when I was focusing on human eating patterns and analyzing the impact of currency, geography, race and other secondary factors on the choice of food, I have moved on in my studies to more complex areas of inquiry. I noted in my last entry various idiosyncrasies about how humans eat, how much they consume, the variety they insist on in their diet, and their standard nutritional requirements.

It is a foreign concept to me how eating can be an enjoyable activity, or how food can become a vice or even an addiction. Our consumption habits are entirely different. We do not need a variety of vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, fats or proteins in order to maintain our form and mechanics.

We technically don’t eat at all; well, not in the deliberate manner that humans do. We obtain the organic materials necessary to function automatically. The atmosphere on our home planet is filled with microscopic elements that are fundamental to our being. We simply absorb these materials through our outer membrane or skin. Our skin contains microscopic fibres which act as chemical regulators, ensuring we consume the correct proportion of elements.

The notion of being underweight or overweight is a strange concept that I find difficult to comprehend. Instances of nutritional imbalance only serve to reinforce the idea that humans have a wonderful capacity for unnecessary complication. The ritual of eating carries with it associations of greed or vice, vanity, society, pleasure, and many other factors which are extraneous to the necessity of nutrition.

It is this capacity for unnecessary complication that brings me to my next point. Moving on from previous conclusions regarding eating, I find it relevant to introduce the unmistakably human phenomenon of romantic relationships. The idea of constructing sexual or romantic relationships which aren’t directly linked to reproductive necessity is a concept that is relatively unique to the human species.

Throughout the cycles of time we have discovered many sentient forms and studied their mating habits in depth. To date (although I acknowledge that there are still many regions within this sector of the galaxy that still remain unexplored in any capacity), humans remain the only species to incorporate a number of gratuitous mating habits into their search for a compatible breeding partner.

These extraneous endeavors include the idea of asking a potential breeding partner on what is conventionally called a ‘date’. This use of the word is not to be confused with humanoid time-keeping, in which case a date is simply a randomized time on their annual calendar, governed by the cycles of the earth, moon and sun. The romantic date is a method that is presented as a relatively casual thing to do between two people, generally of two different sexes (alternative sexuality and the idea that humans indulge the possibility of emotional and sexual pleasure as separate from procreation will be discussed in detail in upcoming entries), who are physically and chemically attracted to one another.

From my surveillance of a small group of humans who are deemed to be ‘single’ (without a reproductive mate) and yet ‘dating’ (‘dating’ is to be going on dates, sometimes with numerous people at the same time), I interpret the process of dating to be an inefficient strategy for looking for potential partners. Any dates I have witnessed thus far have been seemingly unproductive. Each biological candidate seems uncomfortable and presents a side of their identity that seems to be a modified version of the one they present to the human they are hoping to one day mate with.

The female human is particularly peculiar when she finds herself about to go on a date. I have never witnessed such exhaustive preparation techniques for something that is deemed to be such a casual event. I have seen women use electrical metal rods on their hair in what looks like a regime that would ultimately destroy it. Their hair becomes straight after using this unusual product. For whatever reason, straighter hair seems to be a popular choice for women who are seeking to attract men.

I have also seen women completely change the appearance of their face using what seems to be tribal paint. The methods they use in order to be more appealing to the person they are going on a date with seem to be extreme. Before the date, in their natural state, compared to the version they present when they have undertaken these preparatory measures, they look like two different humans entirely. This tiresome procedure would surely be impossible to maintain throughout the course of a life-long relationship with a biological partner.

As a result, I found myself wondering about this single aspect for a disproportionate amount of time. It seems that what began as a curious discovery may soon turn into a web of confusing behaviour which demands more scholarly attention. However, I remain optimistic that after further study over the course of at least two moon cycles I will begin to form the necessary connections and reconsider my ambiguous conclusions thus far.

From the notes above, it is evident that this species becomes more complex the more we study them. Every time I begin a certain topic I become so fascinated by the eccentricities of their rituals I find myself moving away from the central topic into bizarre off shoots which take me on a spiral of unprecedented knowledge and discovery. It is imperative that we dedicate more resources to the surveillance of humans if we ever hope to understand even a minute portion of their alien behaviour.